The Hardest Part
by mkras
Summary: Jesse catches her sometimes, looking at Finn. It's not her fault though, and there's nothing he can do. That's maybe the hardest part. St. Berry with strong undertones of Finchel.
1. Part l

I really enjoyed the Rachel/Jesse relationship, apart from the bit where Jesse developed bi-polar and started crushing eggs into Rachel's face. Don't get me wrong, I love Ryan Murphy and the rest of the Glee writers, but I think it's time I introduce them to a friend of mine - Mr. Continuity.

Anyway, I don't want to start a rant (because I am totally tempted, and could probably go on for hours), so I'll just stop now.

This is a bit sad, but hopefully you'll enjoy. Reviews are love, people!

* * *

_The Hardest Part_

The first time Jesse St James and Rachel Berry's worlds collide, he's sitting in the crowd, completely bored. Shelby had sent him to scope out the competition, if you could even call them that, at Sectionals. First had been this terrible group of girls who were far too rough for his liking and lacked the depth and contrast that an accompanied male vocal would have provided. Next were a bunch of deaf kids who's rendition of Don't Stop Believing was perhaps the worst thing he had heard in his entire life. Of course people had teared up, but he found himself quite unmoved and relieved when they finally left the stage.

Then the theatre dimmed, the audience fell silent, and Jesse heard her voice for the first time.

-o-

It cuts through him, unlike anything he has ever felt before. Suddenly he's sitting up, trying to find where this voice is coming from. The whole audience is captivated with her as she moves effortlessly through the aisles. Her voice is like a powerhouse filling up the entire theatre, yet there is an underlying honesty and vulnerability that radiates from her performance. He used to be like that, so wide-eyed, excited, humble... but he lost it. The years of success and popularity had hardened him.

As he looks up at her, he wonders if she knows just how good she is.

This is the first time Jesse sees Rachel Berry, and he decides it definitely won't be the last. He doesn't stay for the rest of their performance. He wants to, but Shelby calls him just when everyone is giving her a standing ovation, telling him that she needs him back at practice. Everyone was apparently annoying her and she needed some semblance of talent to get her through. He reluctantly leaves, slipping out the door as the unmistakeable guitar intro of You Can't Always Get What You Want begins. If he'd only stayed for just a few more minutes, or Shelby had called just a little bit later, he would've seen the way another guy had looked at Rachel, and the way she had looked back at him.

And maybe, just maybe, he could've saved himself a whole lot of heartbreak.

-o-

He's shocked when Shelby tells him that Rachel is her daughter. But when she reveals her plan, which involves him befriending Rachel, he gladly goes along with it.

It doesn't take long for them to start dating. It happens easier than he thought it would. She's a little more emotional than he bargained for, and also a little more insecure. But he still finds himself completely enamored by her. This was definitely a first. Usually the girl was the one who was head-over-heals in love with him, while his emotions didn't stray far past like or worst case scenario, tolerance.

They've had the awkward exes talk, but he's not sure how serious it was with Finn. Well, he's not sure at first. He asks around, and attains enough of an idea before he starts getting this sick feeling in his stomach.

She adamantly denies any feelings towards Finn, besides of course, platonic ones. It should make him feel reassured, how sure and confident she is.

But it doesn't, because he knows.

He catches her looking at Finn sometimes, when she thinks neither of them are looking. Maybe if she admitted that there were still some feelings left, even though it would hurt, at least it would be the truth. Because for some reason, the fact that she feels the need to hide those lingering feelings, makes them all the more powerful. It scares him, how much she might care, even if she doesn't realize it. But really, how much _more_ she might care for Finn Hudson, than him.

It's not her fault though, and there's nothing he can really do. That's maybe the hardest part.

-o-

When Shelby tells him it's time to return to Vocal Adrenaline, he almost feels relieved. Then, there's this crushing guilt. And after that, everything happens really quickly. It's probably because he's just been letting himself go through the motions. School, practice, home, sleep. Anything else seems like too much to handle.

So when he finds himself standing in the McKinley High school parking lot with an egg in his hand, he can't actually remember how he got there. He had just gone along with it. And now, it was too late.

_"Do it." _

He can't. His arm feels like a dead weight.

_"Break it like you broke my heart."_

He doesn't want to, but he has to.

It's easier this way.

He can only manage to say a few words.

_"I loved you."_ It's the truth, but only half of it.

Then he crushes the egg in her face.

-o-

The last time he sees Rachel, he has this weird sense of deja vu. She's standing at the back of the theatre, watching him as he belts out Bohemian Rhapsody. Maybe this is how it was always supposed to be, where a relationship that was doomed from the start was supposed to draw it's last final breaths. He guesses, in a twisted way, it has kind of come full circle.

The audience is reacting really well to the song, people are singing along and he's giving the performance of his life. But all he can bring himself to care about right now is the way she's looking at him. He can feel this nervous flutter in his stomach and he knows that it's her, and only her, that can do this to him. She'll probably leave once the song ends, so he's holding on to each note for as long as he can, savoring each soaring melody.

When the song begins to wane and the ending is near, she gives him once last look. It's so full of emotion that he's left kind of breathless and almost forgets the words to the song.

Before the last note, she's already gone.

-o-

As he stands up on the stage with his team, the crowd on their feet, cheering and yelling, it should be one of the most happiest times of his life. But truthfully, he can't remember a moment where he has felt more unhappy, or alone.

He thinks, right at that moment, he would give it all up for her. The popularity, the winning, his dreams.

And as he's staring at the empty doorway, every part of his body numb except the overwhelming ache in his chest, Jesse can only wish it had been him, not Finn Hudson, who had met Rachel Berry first.


	2. Part ll

So I wasn't sure whether I was going to make this into a two-parter, but after I re-read the first chapter, this kind of just came to me. Nothing really needs to be explained, so just read it, and hopefully, enjoy. Reviews are very much appreciated. (Hours to write, seconds to review)

* * *

Three years, and two moderately successful shows later, Jesse finds himself back where it all started.

He actually finds it comforting how Carmel High has stayed so unchanged. It's almost as if he could just walk right back through those doors and be 17 again.

If only it was that easy.

-o-

He drops his bags off at his old house, his parents are so excited to see him. He gives them a brief greeting before telling them he needs to do something quickly before dinner.

He knows it's probably the worst idea he's ever had, but he can't help himself. He has to see her.

And the drive from Akron to Lima isn't that long anyway.

-o-

He pulls into the parking lot, and waits. He knows it's a long shot. She might have practice after school, or she might leave through the front entrance; she could be sick and have not even come in today. There are so many thoughts running through his head as he searches the sea of students. His heart begins to race when the crowd begins to wane, and less and less students are coming out. Had he missed her?

Surely he hadn't. He could spot her a mile off; Rachel Berry didn't blend in. He taps nervously on the steering wheel, disheartened when the door opens and it's just another pimply faced teenager.

Then he sees her.

She's laughing, her face is lit up as she listens to whoever's talking. Jesse strains his neck to try and get a better view of her through the a group of students who had come out before her. However, it's not really the random students around her that are in the way. It's some giant dude that's walking next to her.

Jesse feels his grip tighten on the steering wheel.

_Finn Hudson_.

He's not surprised, but he can't help but feel a little disappointed. A small part of him had hoped that he had been wrong. That his suspicions about Finn had been misguided.

Jesse watches as they reach her car and Finn opens her door for her. She laughs at him before playfully slapping him on the butt as he runs around to get in the passenger door.

Clearly he had been right all along.

-o-

She drops Finn off first and Jesse gets this sinking feeling when they kiss, before quickly looking away.

He realises that this has now become borderline stalker behaviour, but he isn't ready to _not_ see her just yet.

When she finally reaches her house, he's hesitant at first. _What is he doing? _

He takes in a few breaths as he reminds himself why he has to do this - _needs_ to do this.

He parks on the kerb and walks slowly down her driveway. She's facing away from him, grabbing her bag out of the backseat. He starts walking a little faster, the gravel shifting noisily under his feet. She'll hear him before she sees him.

Sure enough, she stops reaching for her bag and looks curiously through the back window for the cause of the sound.

He's only about ten feet away from her now, and he watches as she quickly removes herself from her car and stands to face him.

"…Jesse?" Her voice sounds unsure, but her eyes have already hardened.

"Hello Rachel." He stands up a little straighter, trying to feign some sort of confidence.

"What are you…?"

"I..uh, I came here to say something."

She still looks confused, and a bit shocked, but besides that her face stays rather void of emotion.

"I'm sorry." It sounds stupid all on it's own.

She sighs. "It really doesn't matter anymore Jesse."

"Yes it does. It matters to me." He says, taking a few steps towards her, and frowning when she involuntarily flinches.

"Let me clarify, I meant it doesn't matter to _me._" She says severely before closing her car door.

He winces slightly. "Please don't be like this."

"Like what?" She crosses her arms tightly against her chest.

This time he lets out a sigh. "I wish I could do it all over again Rachel. Honestly I do."

"Everyone says that Jesse. But we both know, if you got the chance, you'd do it all exactly the same." This time she readjusts her bag before turning and walking towards her house.

"No I wouldn't." He says, a little too quickly in response, hastily following after her. He mentally berates himself before slowing down. "I just, I didn't realise it then, okay? I needed the perspective that only the last few years have given me."

"And what perspective is that?" She suddenly stops and turns on him. He's surprised but quickly recovers.

"That none of it matters. None of it." He pauses. "….without love." He finishes, watching her closely.

"What we had wasn't love Jesse." She shakes her head before reaching into her purse and grabbing her keys.

"Don't say that. You _know_ it was." He's willing her to look at him. She doesn't.

"Jesse, look, I just…what's the point in rehashing the past? It's been three years. I've moved on and so have you." She's half turned as she begins to open her front door.

"Because I did love you Rachel. And I know there's a part of me that still does." At this, her hand falls from the doorknob to her side. She still doesn't look at him though.

He waits for her to say something. Silence falls over them.

"I'm with Finn now, Jesse." She says eventually, finally turning back and looking up at him. "And I'm happy."

He tries to swallow down the growing lump in his throat. "I know it's too late for us. I didn't come back here to try and win you back." Although, he thinks, maybe a part of him did.

"Well good, because you'd be wasting your time." She doesn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it does, but she's feeling a little on the defensive right now.

"Look Rachel. I'm sorry. That's all I really wanted to say. I guess I'm here to offer you some sort of closure…I don't know..."

"Fine. I forgive you Jesse." She doesn't sound very convincing. He eyes her warily.

"Look I have a heap of study to do and I'm already feeling tired. So…" She says it quickly, her eyes looking expectingly at him.

"Rachel... Please."

"There's nothing left to say." She says, an edge in her voice.

"So this is goodbye?" He asks disheartened. This can't be their goodbye, forever. This wasn't how _they _were supposed to end.

For one tiny moment, he sees a shard of emotion flicker across her face. "Goodbye Jesse." Her voice sounds strained. She's already inside her house.

"Wait!" He lets out, a little louder than he intended.

Rachel looks surprised at his outburst, but he feels relieved because it has stopped her from closing the door on him, literally and figuratively.

She puts one hand on her hip, the other resting against the door.

"This doesn't feel right Rachel. I can't leave like this." He motions between them, his eyes frantically searching hers.

Her shoulders kind of slump and she clears her throat. "I'm not sure what you expect from me Jesse? You dumped me, remember? You egged me in the school parking lot with all your team mates, remember?"

Instinctively he wants to wrap his arms around her and take away all the crap he put her though. But she's too far away, and he thinks she'd probably slam the door in his face if he tried anything. So he forces his arms to stay by their side as he watches a few stray tears roll down her cheeks and all the hurt that he put her through resurface.

This was all his fault. And now he was making her relive it all over again.

"…You just left me Jesse. Without warning or even a conversation. Nothing. So why do I have to talk to you now, huh? I owe you nothing." The tone of her voice was getting angrier.

"Rachel I know I was fucking idiot, okay?" She's taken back by his strong use of language. He doesn't mean for that, but she has to know. She has to know that _he knows_ how much of a selfish jerk he was, and how he regrets, _so much_, taking her for granted. "You didn't deserve any of it. And maybe I was stupid in thinking we could get past it-"

"-Yeah, maybe you were." She interrupts, but her voice isn't angry anymore.

"Rach…"

"Goodbye Jesse." She says it to him again, and it isn't any easier to hear the second time round. She doesn't even look at him as she closes the door.

-o-

He stands out on her porch, frozen. He feels a rush of emotions surge through his body and for second he thinks he might fall over. He never should have come back. He should've just left her alone.

When he reaches his car, he pauses to look back one last time. He wills the door to open, for her to come running back out and into his arms. And for her to forgive him.

But the door stays firmly shut.

-o-

That night, he's in his old bedroom, lying on his old bed. The memories they shared in this room float in and out of his head as he allows sleep to overcome him.

Jesse doesn't know if it's a moment later or hours later, but he's woken to the sound of his phone.

Reaching blindly over his bedside table, his hands finally find the cold vibrating plastic.

"Hello." He answers, his voice laced with sleep.

There's no response. He holds the phone lazily to his ear. "Hello?" He repeats, rubbing his eyes as the veil of sleep slowly lifts.

Just as he's about to hang up, he hears her voice. It's like a soft whisper in his ear. "I loved you too."

The words leave him speechless, and he's already sitting up, clutching the phone to his ear.

Before he can even think of something to say, the line goes dead.

She's gone.

And for the first time in three long years, Jesse's heart breaks all over again.


End file.
